Anabolic Conservatism

4 Nov

50 thinks the president is “incredible … a gangsta.” “I wanna meet George Bush, just shake his hand and tell him how much of me I see in him,” 50 told GQ.-50 Cent, in better times

Whatever the results of tomorrow’s election, it will mark the end of an era, and even if the Ghost Of Milton Friedman were to swoop down from Heaven and deliver the election to John McCain, the American Right is in for a long-overdue chastening. A Democratic landslide in the House is looking inevitable, and even if they fail to achieve a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate, they’ll still be able to tell Joe Lieberman where to stick it.

Regardless of what the new adminstration brings, it will at least put an end to the pseudo-macho posturing that worships power for its own sake. For those with shaky memories, the last eight years have brought us:

  • Grover Norquist elaborating on his castration fantasies about Democrats
  • The Governator
  • The phrase “you’ve been Hannitized,” which sounds like something shouted during a gangbang
  • The Chuck Norris-Mike Huckabee axis
  • Jose Canseco’s tell-all in which he reveals that he was basically running Tupperware parties for anabolic steroids during the years Bush ran the Texas Rangers (not to mention the prevalence of mullets)1


In all of the cases above, the concerns are, admittedly, aesthetic. Much has, rightfully, been made of the war crimes, the suspension of the constitution, the plunging the country into a financial crisis, and any number of other offenses which are omitted for the sake of brevity here. Less discussed is the ridiculous manner in the which the Halo Male came to dominate our political discourse-men who equate late night fragging sessions on the XBOX with an understanding of the costs of war. Guys who mocked Democrats for being weak. Guys who not only aren’t vegetarians, but own items of clothing ridiculing vegetarians. It was not enough to control all three branches of governement, they also had to try to diagnose liberalism as a mental illness. Rape ’em, and then charge ’em for the exam.  Regardless of the results tomorrow, it looks like we can finally bury the Anabolic Conservatism school of politics, and not a moment too soon.

And before we leave, the one, single most offensive item of all:

Our long national nightmare is over.

1 And the source of Bush’s infamous remark that his greatest mistake in life was trading Sammy Sosa. This one requires no further explanation: Sosa, for all his home runs, struck out too much, played indifferent defense, and was a clubhouse cancer. Oh, and ignoring reports that Al-Queda was determined to strike the U.S. probably had to rank in the top five, right?

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