Meet The Friendies: An Investment Advice Column

16 Jan

While the death of perennial Gawker punching bag Radar is hardly surprising given the current bloodbath in the publishing industry, it still leaves a gaping void in the world of pseudo-anthropology. In addition to its backpage lists and over-the-top Scientology-bashing, Radar really found its groove when it picked up the torch from Robert Lanham and created new stereotypes for personalities commonly found in New York’s hippest (and, more often than not, most privileged) corners.

And making fun of people is fun, but making money is even funner. Today, we’ll be looking at the Freindies (Frat + Indie), and how we can use this to pump up our stock portfolio. Seriously. In a move that would probably appall Naomi Klein, we’ll call it Fashion Disaster Capitalism.

Meet JeremyMeet Jeremy
You’ve probably seen Jeremy on Fairfax before, skateboard in hand (never on the ground, it gets the deck dirty!), and the freshest Nikes on his feet. As one of the opinion leaders in his frat, Jeremy checks Hypebeast on a regular basis. While you might assume he’s frivolous, he’s actually here on business. You see, he’s an entrepreneur. No, despite all the Clipse mp3s on his iPhone, we’re not winkingly implying that he’s a coke dealer (focus on demand-side economics instead). Really though, his buddy Chad’s got a clothing line. They’ve even sent samples to Pharell. And Jeremy just wants to see if it’s made its way into Supreme yet. In the meantime, Jeremy’s putting that entrepreneurial personality to use in B-school, although he hasn’t quite figured out what his business venture will be yet. In the meantime, there’s shopping to do!
Jeremy's Patron Saint
After scoring a vintage Bash Brothers T-shirt at &Still (how many protein shakes stand between him and biceps like Jose Canseco?), Jeremy is forced to ponder the all-important shades question. As one of the fashion alpha-males in his house, he needs to come correct in the sights game, or risk losing his Influencer status to that fag Trey. Jeremy was the first to spot the end of the shutter-shades bubble, and his move to neon Ray-Bans branded him a visionary. Now that other houses are passing them out as party favors, Jeremy needs an encore. Help arrives from an unexpected source. Looking at his newly acquired t-shirt, Jeremy sees a vision from his patron saint, Jose Canseco. Oakley M-Frames. Like 2003’s trucker hat boom, they have just the right touch of white trashiness, combined with a touch of 1991 street attitude. If he moves in now, he can get his M-Frames in place before The Cool Kids inevitably start rocking them in their next video.

Meet DebbieMeet Debbie
Debbie checks her Blackberry (iPhones are for dilettantes, everyone knows that) as she leaves the Save Darfur meeting. Still no word from Jeremy, who’s been blowing her off ever since he took her to the MGMT show last week. Typical: he’s got time to party, but ever since she wanted him to get political, he disappears. She might as well have told him she was pregnant. Having earned a brick of karma points all morning with the Darfur thing, Debbie decides to treat herself to a day on Robertson. She considers a new pair of jeans, but feels frivolous adding to her already sizable collection. Anyway, when Jeremy was driving her to the concert, one of the rappers that came up on the shuffle on his iPhone was talking about wearing True Religion. What does that even mean? Debbie’s not sure if this means that True Religion’s Nuked The Fridge, but she holds off on buying new jeans, just to be sure. There may be a power vacuum in the premium denim market for now. Cruising down Robertson in her Prius, she sees that Kitson’s a mob scene at the moment. Some skank-ass celebutante’s probably in there. With both denim and Kitson out of the question, she decides to feed her conscience and head to American Apparel. Sure, Feminist Majority Leadership Alliance warned that their owner’s a major skeeze, but they’re labor friendly and all. Plus, after the meeting this morning, Debbie’s political side is in full swing. She loads up on tights and boy shorts and heads off to Barnes & Noble to get a new Moleskine.

Stock Lessons

Buy:
Nike: Hasn’t lost any steam yet, and Jeremy’s busy putting Phil Knight’s kids through college.
Luxxotica: Whether Jeremy’s vision is right, or the neon Ray-Bans have some life left in them after all, you win either way: they just bought Ray-Ban and Oakley.
Apple: Debbie might have a point, but with the recent dip in price due to Steve Jobs’ health crisis, now’s the best time to stock up. Anyway, when Jeremy winds up with that sweet Deloitte internship, you know he’s gonna treat himself with an upgrade to the 3G model.
American Apparel: Well shit, their stock can’t get any worse, can it?

Short:
True Religion: Debbie doesn’t want to be rocking the same jeans as Pusha T. Also, their cost structure seems kind of inefficient.
Barnes & Noble: Not even Debbie’s Moleskine habit can save this walking corpse.
Research In Motion: Seems to have hit market saturation, and Apple’s upcoming support for Microsoft Exchange server can’t be a good sign for these Canucks.

DISCLAIMER: At the time of writing, The Commodore owns positions in Nike, Apple, and American Apparel. He does not have any short positions. Much like the gambling spreads for dogfights that make their way into respectable publications, this investment advice is for entertainment only. Before investing real money, consult with a financial professional, because God knows they don’t have any conflicts of interest.

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